American Honey

Oh sweet cheesus.  "Star" (an unknown chosen off the street or pier for this role) is a young woman who believes herself to be streetwise all the while looking after her abusive boyfriend's kids while he sort of does what he wants. She meets up with a dapper magazine saleman, played by Shia LaBoeuf (is that really his name???) who brings her into the world of traveling teens who drink, do drugs, vandalize, trespass and physically harm the occasional human being who is in their path while they tour around to sell magazines. Did I mention the sex and nudity and other things? But the worst crime of this is that it is BORING. Not a moment of cleverness, not even a moment of empathy for them. These are really boring people. And the second crime is that it is 162 minutes long.  Here is how good it is- it only made $663,000 nationwide so far.  Just don't.

My Name is Doris

How this movie was liked by 88% of the audience just mystifies me. This is a terrible movie. Sally Field mugs and preens and, in general. acts like a late middle-aged idiot who believes her very young new boss is going to be her boyfriend. Since he is also portrayed as a numbskull, I guess she figures she has a chance. She is given so many contrivances and bizarre affectations that you feel very uncomfortable watching this mess. She dresses like a senile Cyndi Lauper, and talks like Kristin Wiig in those short-arm skits on SNL. This entire thing was an embarrassing mess. Field is so over the top quirky that you just wonder if she was missing a house payment and had to take this role and follow this ridiculous direction. Want to see a bad movie? Here it is.  You want a charmingly quirky movie just rent Ruby Sparks.

Snowpiercer

Like idiots, we didn't pay attention to the 77% viewer tomatometer reading versus the 94% critic rating and we went and paid good money to see this in a theater rather than watching it on demand at home.  The first 30-45 minutes are so dark and so weird that I once looked over at my hubs and he mouthed the words "let's go".  Then it picked up a bit. But basically, it is an apocalyptic movie about an overtreatment of the planet to combat global warming, (oops), which put everyone into global freezing, killed everyone on the planet except for these violent ragamuffins and their cruel captors on a stupid train that goes around the world every year. It is not clever, not very imaginative, and one violent confrontation (complete with gooshy sounds and snaps) after another. I think it was awful. Just awful. Don't go see it. Wait until it is on cable and watch it for "free".

Killing Them Softly

Well, let's just say that Brad Pitt owes me money. This movie is no fun at all. The stylized, graphic to the point of disgusting, plot eating gun violence and beatings are so overwhelming that you expect Quentin Tarantino to show up with a $5 milkshake in his hands.  There is plenty of talking between the scenes of raw violence- PLENTY.  yak yak yak. The first 20 minutes you think, well, this must be an art film because everybody is TALKING my ear off.  Then when the body count brutally adds up, well, you think this must be a sort of twisted art film. Obviously, "art film" means a bunch of pretentious reviewers are going to tell you to go see it. I say punish them all for making this crap. Last time I was roped in by star power, it was Clooney in "the American"- one of the worst movies ever made. Yet the reviews were fawning. Aside from Pitt looking like he is trying too hard to be a real character, there is also the city of New Orleans (post katrina) as a backdrop. He does the city no favors with constant police sirens and casual crime that no one cares about- including a random shooting that isn't part of the plot. It is actually shameful how he depicts his adopted city. This genre is dead and no one told the producers and directors- and I will never go to another one like it. Don't go see it. It is a rip off of your time and money. Hey Pitt- gimme back my money.

Hot Tub Time Machine

Oh dear. There was a premise here that borrowed from quite a few other films (Peggy Sue, Back to the Future, etc)- and while there is no actual crime in that, even in making a "guy gross out bonding film", there have to be limits. Gross can be funny, and it can also be stupid. This movie is inexcusably stupid. Even the 80s parody part of it is so off the mark- and could have been at least entertaining, but wasn't. I didn't expect anymore from this than I did back when I reviewed "The Ladies Man" for the old website. But I'd sit though The Ladies Man twenty times before I would even watch the opening sequence of this ridiculous movie again. This will not be a cult favorite. There is not one endearing moment in it that would make you be interested in these characters. It is just plain awful. The high point- hearing "Talk Dirty to Me" on the soundtrack. The low point- everything else.