Queen of Earth

Sweet Cheesus- this was a mind numbing, annoying, slow and ridiculous movie. I am SO disappointed in Elisabeth Moss- she has become the poster child for annoying women in film. Mad Men gave her such a head start, and she keeps stomping on it with these pretentious, slow, angst ridden movies. This woman loves a good cry. I'm not saying she has to be a comedian, but for god's sake, get OVER yourself, Mistress Thespian. Being a good reviewer, I went to rotten tomatoes to read what other people saw in it. Amazingly, no one seems to agree on what this is about. Seriously- some say it was angst ridden because Moss's character can't take the memories of a previous visit to this lake house. Some say it was her deterioration and disappointment with her life. Etc.Etc. I say that this movie is overwrought, lugubrious (a nod to my high school vocab teacher), and self-indulgent. Critics LOVE that crap- and that is why I am here. To save you from it. If you go to see it, bring a book and sit in the back and read.

Bad Words

What the hell? How can this movie even be allowed? Here ya go- if you don't feel uncomfortable to the point of queasy watching a trashy prostitute show a young boy her huge breasts, then I'm a little worried for you. There is a sad and woeful immaturity, meanness and mental illness to this movie. It isn't a comedy- you will know that because if you laugh, you'll feel awful that you did. I am sorry we paid money to see it. It is supposed to be funny when Bateman slips alcohol to the kid. Not a sip- an entire tumbler or two in a bar. If Bateman had done this with maybe a 15 year old, I could see some adolescent humor (or not) or edge to it. But this kid is a CHILD- in real life, he is now 9 years old.  What exactly is this movie trying to be? Bateman's character is SO unlikeable and so disgusting, that it is hard to excuse his behavior or feel sorry for his backstory. He's in a spelling bee that he technically qualifies for because he didn't finish the 8th grade. But the twist at the end is something you see coming from a mile away. He sabotages his competition with idiotic remarks and pranks.  I could even forgive that. I don't even care if the kid used a green screen and never saw the prostitute.  The entire theme of this movie is grossly immature- it is no adult/child buddy movie for certain. I assume you have now gotten my point. I'm just surprised there weren't police visiting the set. Ewwwww. If you read my reviews, you know I'm not some prude. So it's up to you, of course.

Monuments Men

Remember how much I hated The American? Surely you remember. It stunk. Well, MOVE OVER The American- because this is one of the all time worst movies (with the best cast) ever made. Curiously, they even managed to use odd music in bits and pieces, and then only in parts, and totally inappropriately. The script had to have been written by 14 year old aspiring script writers. The film is so disjointed and so poorly paced that the audience cannot possibly be sure of where they are in time. Plot: (again, based on a true story) The amateur soldiers taken from the knowlegable art elite to rescue the art stolen by Hitler become suddenly seasoned soldiers who can use explosives, go into Nazi locations as the LEAD team, etc, etc. There are so many holes in this, so many poorly written scenes, so much jumping about that if I hadn't paid IPIC a small fortune to sit in my recliner, I'd have walked out. Jean Dujardin was lucky- he got to die in this. Shame on Clooney for producing this piece of crap from what could have been a really exciting and fun adventure to see. It plods, it disconnects, it isn't funny or witty or even interesting. That's quite a skill- to take a great story and kill it.  If you go see it, you've put money into the pockets of people who really don't care if they entertain you- and that should be a crime. If you go, please pay attention to the miserable score. Believe me, you will notice it because the film just isn't that interesting and you'll have to have SOMETHING to do. For once, Wikipedia is a better place to find out the information on the "story" they based this on: http://www.monumentsmenfoundation.org/the-heroes.  Then save yourself the admission and time.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

This is one of the worst movies ever done. I almost couldn't believe I sat through it. I wasn't alone- people filing out of the theater were babbling about what it meant. I read the book so long ago that the plot could and did elude me. Half the time you couldn't even guess which character was which when referred to by name. I'll tell you what I think- anyone (including some snobby critic) who tells you they thought the film was understandable is a pretentious fibber. Okay-they are lying. It is as obtuse as it can be without actually existing. Most people struggled to understand who the characters were, what they were doing, and what it meant. Some scenes were totally without purpose. The film has a heavy, moody atmosphere so that you can try to recall the Cold War and what it meant to be a spy in those heady days. I cannot recommend this film to anyone who hasn't read the original novel. It is stupid for a film to require the audience to sit in bewilderment. And if you haven't read the book, then that person in the audience could be you. Don't waste your money. Don't fall for the reviewers who gush over this mess. It isn't anything other than posing.

The American

Lord help us all. George Clooney is going to have to learn to work a little harder. This morose and boring film indulges itself and its star at every point. It's chock full of Italians because it really takes place in Italy. You just aren't going to believe half-no, make that MOST, of it. If you can ever figure out what it is really about. The first twenty minutes are your cue that you might want to go to another theatre and slip into another film, because the movie does NOT get better. Clooney must have thought this slow and deliberate crap (sans explanation of any motive or real plot) would escalate him into the rank of artsy. Instead, you sit for almost two hours wishing you had one of his guns and you could put a few holes in the screen before you scream you've had enough. I want my money back. And I might write Mr Clooney at his environmentally friendly villa (sarcasm here) on Lake Como and ask for him to send me $18. OH yeah, plus popcorn, so $116. You get to see another side of Italy, but it's kind of same old same old. You will be asked to believe that no one is on the streets of the small towns in Italy where police seem not to really notice the bodies around, and you will be asked to believe that an incredibly gorgeous young woman could be a two bit hooker because no one will have her. Jeez louise. Tedious. Awful. Period. I am giving it no stars because Clooney is too experienced to pull this mess on us.

Pineapple Express

Sometimes there is a film that is so bad that how it ever got produced is not just a mystery, but confounding. Pineapple Express is the name for a kind of weed, as in grass, as in marijuana. And just like the definition I just put out there, it is repetitive, mind robbing and often a waste of time. I love a good stoner flick- or a flick with a good stoner in it- like Dazed and Confused, or my all time favorite from the Atlanta Film Festival in 1972 or so- Arnold's Wrecking Company. But this movie is pure, unadultered, unfunny, poorly written crap. If you enjoy people getting hit in the balls (even the female cop gets hit in the groin), smoke copious amounts of dope, get stabbed, shot, throw up, bleed, get an ear partially shot off, all to the the slowest, most self-absorbed, marginally acted, dialogue ever written, then this will be the film for you. It is endless and boring and contrived- unfunny and pretentious. Apatow and Rogan are beginning to suffer from Kevin Costner/Jack Black syndrome- when a few good reviews and some box office convinces you that you poop gold and can do no wrong. It's a bad sign.

Be Kind Rewind

Oh my- this is one of the worst movies ever made. We both fell asleep after the first ten minutes. Unfortunately, after about 5 minutes of blissful relief, we woke up. It was boring and stupid- not even silly and funny. Just stupid. Jack Black is just at his worst- mugging and acting like a moron. The story is much dumber than Lars and the Real Girl- and heartless, and the whole film feels like a way to just steal money from the public without actually using a gun. A gun would have been useful though- I'd have shot up the screen. The popcorn at the theater in Claremont CA is very good though. Now THAT I'd recommend. God- if someone takes you to this movie, then you'd better just break up with them and ask for the $9 so you can cry in some coffee.